Today I want to tell you about something very serious and something that many parents of special needs children everywhere go through. And that is depression. I suffer from a form of depression. When I was younger I went through a very tough period where I was sexually harassed at work, and without going into details, the company I worked for did not support me, but instead supported the man doing the harassing. There were other stressors going on at the same time, things like trying to get my masters degree and my then boyfriend breaking up with me, all of which contributed to me feeling horrible about myself and my self-worth. I spiraled down into a deep depression of self-hatred. But thank God I decided that was not how I wanted to live and I went to my primary care physician and started taking anti-depressants. They helped immensely and I got better. I was well enough to no longer need the medicines.
Fast forward 10 or so years to today. I have once again found I need the help of anti-depressants. I have been struggling for years with Matthew’s autism and what it may or may not mean for his (and our) future. One day I found myself getting so mad at Matthew for fighting with me over his medicines that I began yelling at him. As I yelled at him I realized that I was overreacting to what was going on, and that I did not want him to grow up and recall me as the mother that always screamed at him and was unhappy with him. Right then and there I decided to take the anti-depressants again. My doctor once again prescribed me a pill and within days I was feeling better. I am also seeing a therapist to help me deal with my depression and my anxiety over autism (and any other issues I have).
One very interesting thing I have found in studying autism is that there is a higher percentage of autistic children born to people who have suffered depression in the past. And if you have suffered depression in the past it is very easy to have a relapse when you are struggling daily with autism and all its trappings. If you are feeling too much stress, finding that you no longer enjoy activities that used to give you pleasure, are afraid all the time, cry for no reason, feel blue for weeks on end, have anger issues, or feel desperate PLEASE see your doctor. The only way you can save your child is if you save yourself too. A very wise stewardess once said, “place the oxygen mask over your face first before helping dependents with theirs”. You need your oxygen, because without it you have no chance of helping the others in your life.
Recently I was at a biomedical meeting and I was told by one of the other moms that I looked fabulous; completely different from the last time I had seen her. She said I look animated and refreshed. We began to talk about the fact that I had realized I needed help and had gotten it. It sparked other moms at the meeting to discuss the fact that they see therapists to help them cope, and some take meds such as I do. It even prompted one mom to realize that maybe she needs to find a counselor to help her over this very rough spot in life.
Remember that we are doing this for our children, we need to be there (completely there) to enjoy them and rejoice with them. Don’t lose yourself to this disorder.
