An on-line friend of mine was told that one of her children will be needing some form of play therapy. The child has a speech delay and his therapist feels that he may also be having some issues with how he plays. This child is not on the spectrum, but even so, I can relate. I know what it is like to have a child that requires both speech and occupational/play therapy, in addition to physical therapy and sensory integration. I have been there and I have done that. All of it. Every day. For several years. And I know just how hard it is to watch your child not be able to grasp rudimentary play ideas. After talking with my friend through some messages I realized that I needed to get down on the floor and play with Nico a bit more. I was feeling guilty of not spending enough time with my youngest son. So today we were building blocks and stacking towers, and even doing some puzzles. It was amazing to watch him simply pick up a few blocks and stack them 6 or 7 high, with minimal effort. He just knew how to control his pressure and how to set them just so. He mimicked my words as we put a puzzle together: “Cow, Horse, Sheep” and his little wrists would simply turn so the puzzle piece would find its home. No effort. He simply does. I’ve even witnessed him “cooking” me food on his play stove and how he knows to bring it to mommy, hold it up to my mouth and make lip smacking noises. A child genius I presume. But no, really, he is just a child, like any other child. Well, almost like any other. See, he isn’t at all like Matthew. Matthew could not do those things. And how well I remember having to teach him to play.
I think the incident that sticks in my head more that any other is the day our occupational therapist suggested I start teaching Matthew how to play. She brought me a Playschool Garage and showed me how to play with him. She wanted me to do this every day. I watched how hard it was to engage Matthew in the toy. He really had no interest at all. I felt brave with her there, she seemed so confident and she seemed to be able to elicit the correct responses from Matthew. But the moment she walked out the door and my support was gone I felt very much alone. Alone with a child that couldn’t even “see” the toy garage, let alone play with it. I remember taking my hand and placing it over Matthew’s, and helping him hold one of the cars. I would push the car up and down the ramp, and I would fill it with gas. All the time holding Matthew’s hand in mine. But Matthew’s eyes would be looking somewhere far away, and my appetite for pretend play would soon vanish. How do you teach a child to play?
I commend those people that can do this. Those that don’t get discouraged by a child’s lack of ability or interest. Because I find it to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I like to pride myself in the fact that I could do his other therapies and that he was getting better because of my efforts, but when it came to pretend play I was not up to snuff. It took all my effort to try to work with him. I would conjole him, and bribe him. I would get angry and sad. It was so hard to teach him how to even be interested in play. And all the time I would be hearing how it just couldn’t be that hard to engage my son. He should just love to play. Many people, family and friends, would tell me that what I was doing wasn’t that hard. They had it much harder with their children. Their very normal children. I was disgusted with them and myself. They had no idea what it was like to miss out on normal milestones. Or how many days I cried because my son had no interest in anything normal. I could not engage him, no matter how hard I tried. But try I did. Every day I tried. And with God’s help and some biomedical approaches, Matthew began to react. He began to come out of his fog and he began to show interest in every day play. But it took at least another two years before Matthew really began to do pretend play. So it is truly amazing to watch Nico doing all those things Matthew could not. How bittersweet it all is. And how much easier it is to raise Nico. He can entertain himself. Something Matthew never could do. I could not leave Matthew alone to play while I did other household chores.
I remember talking to other moms about how they could pay their bills or do laundry while their little one played nicely in the other room. And I thought there was something terribly wrong with my mothering skills. I could not leave Matthew alone. He would flap his arm and yell “Ahhh” if left to his own devices. Or he would simply spin the wheels on his toys. Not really engaged in anything. I spent most of my day redirecting his play. Usually to something he had absolutely no interest in and therefore would only persist at for a minute or two, and only with my guidance. Once I stopped directing his play he would be back to the stimming. No wonder I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
But we have been blessed with happier days. Today Matthew cooks at his play kitchen, tells us stories he has made up, and pretends to shave like his daddy. He enjoys interacting with Nico and playing with Baby Gunnar, his doll. Today he is a different child. He still has a way to go, but we see clear glimpses of the child he can be, and those glimpses linger longer and longer. This it the child that we will fight to bring to the surface. He works very hard, every day. Both in school and in his at-home ABA sessions. And his dedication is paying off. I love getting voluntary kisses from him, and it melts my heart when he tells me I am his favorite person. Who is this child? Why, he IS Matthew! The real Matthew.
